She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
