I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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