That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
