I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
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Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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