i'm signing you up for texting rehab
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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