dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
