I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
