he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
