Nicole vs. Life
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
