Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize