Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
