You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
