I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
