My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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