She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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