The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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