i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
