I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Randomize
