There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
