I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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