Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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