I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
