I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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