hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
