He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
