At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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