I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize