you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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