you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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