The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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