My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
