How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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