I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
