he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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