I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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