I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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