The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
