Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
