He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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