My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
