I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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