if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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