Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
All I want is dick and wine.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
