neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's blow job season.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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