Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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