when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
