I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
