over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
