i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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