I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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