Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
