After last night, I could never be a politician.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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