My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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