I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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