....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
